The Art Of The Apology

August 6th, 2008 Posted in Advice, Relationships

The longer I live, the more I realize that a lot of people just don’t know how to communicate.  All relationships are an exercise in manipulation, whether you choose to believe it or not.  Despite the common misconception, manipulation in and of itself isn’t a bad thing - it is the intent with which we do it that determines whether it is positive or negative.  The real question is whether the intent is to manipulate someone for their own good or for your personal gain.  Hell, all great parents are master manipulators - kids who do the right thing of their own volition have been manipulated into understanding right from wrong.  Is that “manipulation with malicious intent”?  Quite the opposite, I’d say…

Some people spend their entire lives hurting people - sometimes purposely and sometimes not.  Those people often wonder why the 9th “I’m sorry…” doesn’t seem to rectify the situation in quite the same way the 1st one did.  What they fail to realize is that after hearing “I’m sorry…” for the same thing over and over, the empty words become as much the problem as the issue at hand.  Without the ability to communicate genuine remorse, as well as a commitment not to repeat the same mistake again, relationships suffer.  The wedge of miscommunication and resentment will continue to push people further and further apart.

There are a lot of reasons one might need to apologize or ask someone for forgiveness.  In an often futile attempt to get done all that this fast-paced, get-it-now, do-it-now world we live in demands, we’ve been forced to abbreviate everything - including conversations.  Now not only must we be aware that “it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it…”, we must also begin to understand that sometimes it really IS what you say.

Saying “I’m sorry” is easy.  It’s short, sweet and to the point.  It’s often assumed that a blanket “sorry…” will cover everything one has supposedly done wrong, without actually having to acknowledge or accept responsibility for any of it.  Unfortunately, because of the multi-purpose solution that “I’m sorry” has become, it also lacks something that is essential to asking forgiveness - genuine remorse and feeling.  That’s not to say that people shouldn’t say it.  If you accidentally bump into a total stranger in public, “I’m sorry…” is the perfect apology.  If you just cussed out your spouse for the fourth time because you had a bad day at work, the same old stale “I’m sorry…” probably isn’t going to go as far as it used to.  And it SHOULDN’T…as actions speak louder than words.

Saying “I’m sorry…” and then continuing the same pattern of behavior is actually worse than not apologizing at all.  We may as well drop “I’m sorry…” and just say, “Let’s stop kidding ourselves here.  I’m going to do it again, and when I do, I’ll say ’sorry’ again because I don’t care enough about your feelings to actually put forth the effort not to hurt you in the first place…”.  Don’t kid yourself for a minute, all of you repeat offenders out there - by the 9th “I’m sorry…”, that’s exactly what the other person is hearing.

We all know how to say “I’m sorry…”, but how often have you heard someone say, “Forgive me…”?  Not very often, I’d venture to say.  Here’s why:  The words “Forgive me…” bring with them the connotation of genuine remorse.  It also insinuates that the person truly understands the negative impact their actions had on someone else.  “Forgive me…” carries along with it an acknowledgment of wrong-doing…some admission of guilt…an act of taking responsibility for the specific role they played in the current situation.  Most importantly, it carries along with it a commitment to not repeat that same mistake over and over and over again.

The essence of understanding The Art Of The Apology is being willing to be held accountable for your actions and the negative impact those actions have on the people that care about you.  Unless you’re genuinely remorseful and truly intend to make every effort to avoid making the same mistake again, don’t apologize at all.  If your “I’m sorry…” doesn’t carry the same weight as it used to and doesn’t seem to result in your being forgiven, perhaps its because you’ve said it one too many times without actually understanding what it means to apologize.